I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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