Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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