Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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