I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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