I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
