that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
