If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Randomize
