my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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