I can text with my tongue
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
