apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize