i don't plan on having that self control this summer
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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