Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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