the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
