Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
