Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
