She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
