Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
