I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
