that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
