My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize