Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
