Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
