He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
