fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
