The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
