i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
dude. I can hear the air.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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