And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
