Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
