I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
