My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
