if i can run in heels then i can drive
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
