Soap is not a condiment
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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