Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
