Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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