just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
