I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
