omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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