Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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