The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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