This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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