Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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