garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
