why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
