I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
