id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
