Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
