She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
