she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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