Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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