Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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