Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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