Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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