i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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