if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
