apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
