Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
