she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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