can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
