Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
