I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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