mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
