There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
