i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
