I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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