20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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