Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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