I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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