I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
